I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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