I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
