I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
