Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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