The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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