Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
