I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
