i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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