He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
