Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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