I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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