I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
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I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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