Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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