I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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