so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
