Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
