I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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