Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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