I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
