I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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