i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
there is puke in my bra ... again
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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