All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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