Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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