Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
well you can't waste a boner
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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