I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
