good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
