sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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