Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
