My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
