my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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