There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
