apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
