We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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