My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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