the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I am one with the molecules
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
