New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
