Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
