I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
