I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
