The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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