just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
