I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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