wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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