I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i think my mom watched the whole time
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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