he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
