i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
