OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
