Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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