so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
