she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
