Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
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Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
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I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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