sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
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i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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