How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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