I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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