my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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