I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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