I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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