Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
